Can you talk your way out of a fight?

Hello friends,

Here in The Connection Section we are learning how to be better in relationships by examining our thoughts, behaviors, and patterns. We know that the quality of our relationships has a direct impact on the quality of our lives. With that in mind, let’s take a magnifying glass to our communication skills and struggles. 

People are often challenged by the amount of talking that goes on in a partnership, whether it’s too much or too little. This gets exacerbated during conflict, in which people tend to either ramp up or shut down. Ramping up might look like talking louder, faster, justifying, getting defensive, or problem solving. Shutting down might look like not talking, yawning, glazing over, checking your phone, or leaving the room.

Emotionally charged conversations can feel exhausting whether you ramp up or shut down. Everyone is trying to manage their anxiety and find their way back to safety and comfort. Unfortunately, both strategies get in the way of listening and curiosity which is at the core of resolving conflict and repairing hurt feelings.

For the person who wants to keep talking until they “get to the bottom of it”, I applaud you for your willingness to try and work it out. Your stamina holds a hopefulness that things can be worked out.

For the person who wants to be done talking, I applaud your awareness of the limits to your capacity to problem solve and be an engaged listener. Your awareness can play an important role in changing the trajectory of a conversation.

How can talking it out be better for everyone?

First, trust your instinct. When a conversation feels like it’s not getting anywhere, it probably isn’t. It is unrealistic to think that a disagreement can be solved in just a few minutes, and you may not be able to talk your way through this challenge in one conversation. Purposeful and thoughtful time outs are keys to dealing with emotional overwhelm of fight, flight, and freeze. Check out my newsletter on how to take breaks and the necessity for a plan to come back to the conversation.

Second, try talking about challenges in little bits over time. It may take multiple days. If a conversation that comes up for multiple days sounds like your personal hell, I get it. Even as a relationship coach, I don’t enjoy having hard conversations. I find that the first time addressing the challenge is the hardest. Each time one of us comes back to the other with “I am still thinking about what you said…” or “Ugh, I don’t like the way we left things” it gets easier and more thoughtful. Once we can regulate our nervous system, we can listen better, manage our defensiveness, and look for bits of truth in what the other person is saying.

Lastly, it is necessary to be able to regulate your nervous system. Do what you need to do to calm down. If you find yourself justifying your side, practicing what you are going to say, or getting in a shame spiral, tell yourself to STOP. The self-righteousness and self-deprecation keep you wound up and unable to reengage with the problem-solving part of your brain.

These three steps take practice. Lots and lots of practice. If each person can regulate their nervous system, actively listen, take breaks and reengage, then progress and connection can be made even with hard topics. As always, I am here if you want help with doing this profound work.

With loving support,

Mallory