How do we deal with desire differences?

Hello friends,

What are three ways you are not normal? What is everyone else doing with ease and skill that you are struggling with? I have a hunch that this was an easy question to answer. We all think we are weird. When it comes to sex and relationships, we are drowning in unrealistic expectations, shame, secrecy, and ridiculous cultural messages. For example, when a couple has different desires for sex, they often feel like something is wrong with the relationship. In reality, desire discrepancy is extremely common and normal, and most couples deal with it at some point in their relationship. I have written about desire discrepancy and the mechanics of desire before. These topics are juicy and if you want to talk about them, I am here for it!

First and foremost, there is no right amount of sex to have or to want. If desire discrepancy is causing relational issues or is something you want to change, then it can be distressing and worth looking at. The way I look and work with desire discrepancy is largely based on the work of Martha Kauppi.

Martha is a sex educator, certified sex therapist and founder of The Institute for Relational Intimacy. I look to her as my north star for coaching in a healthy sex positive, inclusive and science-based way that is free of shame. She is also an incredible therapist and change maker. I know I am fan girling but trust me, you will want to learn about desire discrepancy from her too.

In this article, Martha explains how to understand the meaning you make of your sex drive. What stories do you tell yourself and how does that impact how you view yourself and your relationship? From there, Martha describes how to start transforming desire discrepancy challenges. It’s methodical and empowering.

You can do this work on your own! If you get stuck or want help, then therapists and coaches have got your back.

With loving support,

Mallory