How do you feel more connected?
Hello friends,
The other day I was out and about and saw doctors John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute. Although this was not the first time I have seen them, I am still star struck in their presence. The Gottmans are world-renowned for their research on love, relationships and predictors of divorce. Seeing them made me think about all that I have learned from their work. If there was one concept from their research that I would have the biggest impact on the quality of our relationships, I think it would be bids for connection.
What are bids for connection?
Bids are ways we reach out to another person to let them into our world. These are often small gestures that can be verbal or nonverbal. These can be a simple as a heavy sigh or asking “how’d you sleep last night?” When one person makes a bid the response of the other person will either lead towards connection (turning toward) or disconnection (turning away). When people turn towards each other that connection builds trust and intimacy. Turning away can make people feel deeply alone in their relationship.
Where do bids go wrong?
Bids can go wrong on both the initiating and receiving ends of the interaction.
Making bid: The person could be unclear, weak, or critical. An unclear or critical bid will likely lead to the other person missing or dismissing the overture. The person making the bid might not even realize they were wanting connection, yet they feel ignored or annoyed and when the other person doesn’t respond.
Weak bid: “It’s nice outside.”
Strong bid: “It’s such a nice night out, wanna go for a walk?”
Weak bid: “Lisa and her wife have a date night every week”.
Strong bid: “Did you know that Lisa and her wife have a date night every week? I think it would be fun and helpful to designate a date night. Would you want to do that?”
Receiving end: The receiver of a bid has three options for responding: no response (turning away), negative (turning away), positive (turning toward).
Example: Your sweetie starts telling you about an article they read.
No response: You pretend you didn’t hear them and go about what you’re doing. Or you keep scrolling on your phone, nod and say “uh huh”.
Negative response: “Can’t you see I’m busy?” Or “Why would you think I would be interested in that?”
Positive response: “Follow me to the kitchen so I can continue making dinner and also hear about this article.” Or “What interested you in this article? What did I miss?”
Why are bids so important?
Bids are the building blocks of connection. They fill up your love account (another Gottman gem). When bids go unnoticed or ignored it causes relationship injuries that build up to be death by 1000 paper cuts. It hurts to be rejected and eventually people stop reaching out because they don’t want to be hurt anymore.
As a member of the Relationship Space community and a Connection Section reader, you are striving for more loving, honest, and authentic relationships. The more we learn and understand about bids the braver and clearer our bids become. The more we slow down and pay attention, the more thoughtful and curious our responses can be.
With loving support,
Mallory