Where To Begin: Part 1
Hello friends,
Where do you begin when you’re struggling with a relationship? Whether it’s with a friend, family member, or romantic partner there are some tried and true places to start sorting out your feelings and making a plan for reconnection.
A good place to start is by taking a step back and asking yourself, “do I even want to work on this relationship?” Is it time to end the friendship or partnership or are you willing to see if it can get better? It’s OK to be ambivalent. There’s your place to start! Your work begins with figuring out what you want for yourself.
If you are feeling ambivalent here are questions to ask yourself.
What would I get from working on the relationship?
What would I lose if I didn’t have this person in my life?
Do I have a habit of quickly cutting ties? OR Do I have a habit of ignoring red flags?
What does this relationship mean to me?
If you decide you want to put the work into the relationship, then you can start making a plan towards growth and reconnection. A good place to start is by asking yourself, “is there a hurt or betrayal that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with?” In the therapy world, this is called a repair.
It can be particularly challenging when one person is feeling hurt and the other person doesn’t see or understand the problem. It serves both people to address the pain and rather than brush it off. A repair can mend the cracks in the foundation of the relationship. The process of repairing involves deeply hearing the other person which can help loosen the gridlock and open up compassionate communication.
Sex therapist and founder of the Institute for Relational Intimacy, Martha Kauppi, has a wonderful two-part series on preparing and making a good repair. I can’t recommend these blog posts enough. Martha explains how to emotionally prepare for these conversations and what are the sure fire ways for a repair to fail. She also highlights the pitfalls of making promises you can’t keep.
Depending on the level of hurt, the work of repair can be quick or quite lengthy. It cannot be rushed no matter how much we wish to get through this challenging phase. A solid lasting repair is beautiful work that takes expert level relational skills. This is the stuff that personal growth is made of.
Next month I will explain what to do after a repair. How do you recognize problematic patterns and what do you start to address them? In the meantime, I’m here to help with the highs and lows of relationships.
With loving support,
Mallory