Is Boring Sex a Deal Breaker?
Hello friends,
As a health educator, I have taught my fair share of sex ed classes. While teaching about birth control and sexually transmitted infections to middle schoolers is endlessly entertaining, I relish discussing sexual health topics with adults. Although, just like with kids, adult conversations are still a variation of “is this normal?” and “am I normal?”. Many questions of normalcy arise when one’s sex life feels dull or boring. One might worry that they are not sexually compatible with their partner or that they will never experience amazing sex again. Is boring sex something to accept or a sign of a problem?
Caveats and background
For this newsletter, when I talk about sex I am talking very broadly. It encompasses solo, partnered, and group sexual activities. If it feels sexual to you, then count it as sex. Who am I to say otherwise?
I like to categorize a person’s interest level for sex into three groups: wanted, willing, and unwanted. Unwanted sex includes everything from having sex when one’s not in the mood all the way to rape. For the topic of boring sex, we are going to look at sex that stems from wanted and willing interest level.
Context Matters
Often dissatisfaction or worry comes when a person’s experience doesn’t match their expectations. When it comes to sex, people’s expectations are often unrealistic. In most of the world, including the US, sex education is terrible. Sex education that is inaccurate, shame-based or simply very basic (the kind I taught) leads people to seek out their own information. Pornography, internet searching, and media are where most people get their understanding of what is “normal”. When that is mixed with religious and cultural shaming of sex, you get adults who are uncomfortable and unskilled at talking about sex and who have unrealistic expectations.
Esther Perel explains “that sex is not just something you do; it’s a place you go”. If we take Perel’s viewpoint, then think about where your mind goes during sex. Is it…
Making a to-do list?
Judging and shaming your body?
Worrying about your performance?
Judging your partner?
Managing pain or discomfort?
Watching your thoughts
If you’re in one of the above head-spaces, sex is probably not a very erotic, romantic or playful place. Being in our heads takes away from being connected to the body and experiencing the sensations. When you’re in a non-erotic headspace while having sex, then it can feel like you’re just going through the motions.
How’s your communication?
If you’re in a relaxed and embodied headspace and things are still feeling routine or boring, then ask yourself, “what do I want to be experiencing?” Do you know what you want and are you able to communicate it? Are you communicating without blame or criticism? That takes a high level of differentiation and lots of practice.
How do you respond to a partner giving direction or feedback? If they move your hand or ask to change the pace, does that kill the mood? Intimate settings are vulnerable which can make people more sensitive to feeling criticized and send someone onto a shame spiral. If you are sensitive to feedback and tend to shutdown or get annoyed, then it can be hard for someone communicate their preferences with you.
Good sex needs good communication. It doesn’t have to be verbal. Placing a hand over the other person’s and guiding them on how you like to be touched can communicate what words cannot.
You’re normal!
Bodies, hormones, interests, and sensations change over time, and it takes strong communication and a playful energy to adapt to those changes. Stress, anxiety, depression, and pain take the mind places that don’t feel erotic. Be kind to yourself and your partner(s). Shame and blame don’t help the situation. Everyone’s body changes and everyone feels stress, so rest assured you are not alone if sex feels dull or boring. It can get better. If you or someone you know wants help with these challenges, reach out. I’m here to help.
With loving support,
Mallory